


Gallant Grumps

by Peepasaurus



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Comedy, Friendship, Humor, Rescue Missions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23109682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peepasaurus/pseuds/Peepasaurus
Summary: In a land far away, past the boundaries of reality and common sense, there lived two knights. Legends claimed that Ser Arin and Ser Dan were the greatest heroes of their time. Together, they had defeated countless enemies and saved hundreds of souls. So when the princess was taken to an enemy castle, Arin and Dan were called to the journey of their lives.Basically, an epic quest full of game grumps jokes, references, and characters.
Relationships: Dan Avidan & Arin Hanson
Kudos: 5





	Gallant Grumps

King Barry paced around the throne room. His pet burger followed him anxiously. Usually they had a cheerful smile, but today the burger wore a sad frown. The king noticed this and knelt down to pet the upset burger. “Don’t worry,” King Barry told them soothingly, “Everyone knows that the Gallant Grumps are the bravest knights around. Surely, they will be able to save the princess.”

Soon after he spoke, the wooden doors slammed open and the two knights barged into the room. The Gallant Grumps were dressed in their strong metal plate armor. The letter ‘G’ was imprinted into both of their chest plates to symbolize their team name. The only main difference between their two outfits was that Arin’s ‘G’ was pink while Dan’s was blue. 

Right when the knights were faced with the king, they both kneeled before him respectfully. “Your majesty,” Ser Arin greeted. 

“Ser Arin.” King Barry stood boldly as he spoke to the knights. “Ser Dan. Rise before your king.”

They followed his command with a quick salute. 

“If you haven’t already heard,” the king began, “The princess has been taken to an enemy castle. If you are willing to accept my request, you two will take the main trail through the land of Spoofy that leads to the enemy castle. There, you will save the princess and destroy the enemy. Now this mission is extremely dangerous. Spoofy is full of deadly foes that will want to strike you down. Even heroes great as you will struggle. Are you willing to accept my request and restore peace in the kingdom?”

Dan confidently replied quickly, “Bokay!”

Arin nodded in agreement. “We got this, your majesty. We don’t even need a walkthrough!”

The king sighed in relief. “Oh, I’m as happy as a lark! That’s wonderful news! I won’t take any more of your time. The sooner the princess is rescued, the better. I wish you the best of luck, Ser Arin and Ser Dan!”

And just like that, their journey began. Dan and Arin marched out of the castle and into the small town of Slurmp. Arin put his arm around his friend and grinned at him excitedly. “Look at us! A couple of cards! I’m so thrilled, I think I’m gonna-” He cut himself off when he couldn’t hold it in any longer and began beatboxing enthusiastically. 

Dan laughed and added to his beat. “Castlevania! Ca-Ca-Castlevania. Castlevania! Ca-Ca-”

“I have syphilis.”

There was a silent pause before Dan said, “Wow. You know how to bring a rap to a screeching halt.”

Because they were in town, the knights decided to stock up before they went on their journey. As they passed by the first couple of shops, Arin admitted that he didn’t have a lot of money. 

“Why not?” Dan asked.

Arin lowered his head and mumbled, “I spent it all on gamblin.”

Slurmp was a pretty nasty town. Everything was run down and there were criminals on every corner. The residents of Slurmp just became vicious overtime. Before Arin and Dan could get to the main part of town, they saw two men throwing a big dispute by a well. 

One of them had an eyepatch and declared to the other man, “You threw me down this well.”

The other man angrily replied, “I needed information!”

The guy with the eyepatch then pulled out a knife and held it to the other man’s face. “But I need you to die!”

“I need you to naner.” When the man said this, the eyepatch guy paused before him confusingly. He then took advantage of this and threw the guy with the eyepatch into the well. “I hope you’re doing well!” 

Their viewing of the fight was interrupted when two preschool age girls approached the knights. 

“Oh my god,” Arin whispered to Dan. “These girls are terrifying.”

Dan chuckled. “Arin. They’re just-”

One of the girls interrupted Dan and asked them, “Have you seen our dog, Po?”

The other girl added, “We fed him gasoline. Then he ran away. We found some bones earlier. He must have buried them!”

He then understood Arin’s fear. When he spoke, his voice was much higher pitched with fear. “Umm… No! We haven’t seen any dogs around here!” He then hastily walked away with Arin at his side. 

“My god, that was awful,” Dan sighed as they went deeper into town. 

“Told you so! Those girls will haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Now that they were in the heart of town, business and commotion was everywhere. The store walls were covered in advertising posters, as well as news gossip that went around the town. 

“They sell Milton’s Miltons here!” Dan exclaimed, seeing an advertisement for it. 

Arin looked at the poster and read the description. “Rare and deadly. Do not eat.”

There was a news article hung next to the poster, which was titled, _‘Does Bruno Mars is Gay?’_

“That looks like an interesting read,” Dan commented. 

“Yeah, I’ve always wondered the same thing.”

Suddenly, one of the doors to the shops slammed open and an angry looking man threw someone out of their store. The guy fell into the street, coughing up dirt while the man yelled at him from the doorway. “Stay the fuck out of my store, Jim! Always stealing my Reese's Pieces!”

“Damn,” Dan said, “People here are vicious.”

After continuing through the town, they came across a sandwich shop. “Even though I don’t have a lot of money, I might as well get a sandwich,” Arin said while he walked inside. “Gotta eat something on this trip.”

They walked up to the lady working behind the counter. In the background, two co-workers were talking to each other. “A black tornado?” one worker said. “Hmmm. Papa John won’t like that.”

“Sir, what do you want on your sandwich?” the lady asked, taking Arin’s attention. 

“Um, spinach.”

The woman then proceeded to cover the bread with an avalanche of spinach. 

“I want like five other things!” Arin yelled while he threw his hands on the counter. “You can’t just fill it up with spinach and think that’s all it’s gonna be!”

“Well, what else do you want?” 

“Onion.” She put on two small onion slices. “MOAR ONION PLEASE!”

“Arin.” Dan patted his back, trying to calm his friend down. “You know what? I’ll take care of the sandwich. I’ll even pay for it. Why don’t you just sit down?”

Arin let out a long sigh before he sat at one of the tables. “I’m sorry about him,” Dan said to the woman. “He gets a bit flustered sometimes.”

When the sandwich was done, the worker rang it up. “That’ll be five dollars,” she said.

“Bescuuuuuse me?” Dan put his hands on his hips. “Don’t you know who I am? I am _Ser Dan._ You know, the one who did heroic shit! I deserve at _least_ three dollars off.”

The woman was stunned by his sudden outrage, but before she could reply Arin came in to help out his friend. “Dan, it’s okay. I’ll pay three dollars, so you’ll only have to pay two. How does that sound?”

Dan hesitated before he nodded. “I guess that works.”

With the use of compromise and teamwork, Arin and Dan were able to purchase the sandwich. Ser Arin raised the wrapped sandwich above his head victoriously. “We did it, Dan! We got a sandwich! That princess is gonna be rescued in no time!”

“Hell yeah!” Dan cheered. 

When they left the shop and wandered further down the road, they found a crowd watching a street performance. The street performers were two men, one playing a guitar and the other playing a drum. 

“That’s racist bassist and bummer drummer!” Dan uttered. “I can’t believe they’re just playing in the street in a town like Slurmp!”

The performance was attracting many people, including advertisers who were trying to appeal to the growing crowd. They were busy going around, yelling catch phrases for their companies and handing out flyers. 

“Consume prilosec!”

“Women can’t drive: the game!”

“Santa’s goin NUTZ!”

In the crowd watching the performance, one person was declaring very loudly, “I am enjoying this very much with my human face! For I am a human! I have many boots for my human tentacle feet!”

The person next to him loudly whispered, “Nonono! It’s just feet! Just feet!”

“OH. I mean… feet!”

“We better get goin,” Arin told Dan. “I know you wanna listen, but we got a princess to save.”

Dan sighed. “You’re right. Let’s go.”

Finally, they reached the end of town. Before them were the gates of Slurmp, which lead directly to the main path that took them through Spoofy. At the end of this very path, they would find the enemy castle. 

Waiting just before the gates was an extremely old toad (and when I say toad, I mean from the mario universe). He was barely standing, leaning on his cane that had a tiny mushroom head on top. 

“Ahhhh,” his voice trembled as he spoke. “Ser Arin and Ser Dan.” 

Curious, the two knights approached him. “You called?” Arin asked smoothly. 

“Yes, I did. I have some very important news to tell you, so it’s essential that you listen closely.”

“You got it.” Arin gave him a thumbs up.

“Spoofy is an extremely dangerous place. There will be many enemies trying to kill you before you get to the castle. So if you want to survive, the first thing you will need is a-”

He interrupted himself with a pause before he went on to begin a new sentence. “And then you will find the next-”

“But whatever you do, don’t eat the-”

When the toad paused again, Dan asked, “Are you skipping his dialogue?”

“What? Nooo ....” Arin said not convincingly at all. 

Dan sighed. “Arin. We need to hear this! It’s super important!”

“Fine, fine,” he surrendered. “Let’s hear what he has to say.”

“Do you like my cane?” the toad continued. “It’s the head of my dead son.”

“Oh, well _that’s_ super important,” Arin said sarcastically. 

“Alright,” the toad announced to the two knights. “This last thing I’m about to say is the most essential of them all. Make sure you get this in your heads! The foe ruling over the enemy castle is-”

Dan suddenly had a question that he needed the answer to immediately. “Hey Arin, how does Sandstorm go again?”

“DODODODODODODO!”

After skipping all of the toad’s dialogue, the Gallant Grumps were finally on their way into Spoofy. Dan studied the land before them. It was full of rolling green hills with scattered forests throughout the land. One giant river ran straight through Spoofy along the main trail. “We’re really doing this,” Dan breathed. “We’re going on an adventure.”

Arin gasped dramatically. “What?” he said in a high pitched voice. “We’re goin on an adventure? Well, that’s great! Cause I wanna go on a butthole sniffin adventure with you! C’moooooon!”

“Arin,” Dan laughed. “You’re gonna kill me before anyone else gets the chance.”

Already, they could see what people meant when they said that Spoofy was dangerous. On the top of a grassy hill nearby, two armies of toads were fighting each other. 

“We won’t let those fuckers take this land!” one toad yelled while he used his sword to cut off another toad’s head. 

Mario and Koops were apparently making their way to deal with the battle, but Mario suddenly stopped and spoke in a low and lustful voice as he stared at the turtle. “Oh… _Koops_.”

Koops turned and said, “I’m sorry, Mario. I’ll try not to get in your way!” 

“No! Get in my way! Make it so that I have to barrel through you! Fuck...”

“Oh, that’s messed up,” Dan commented as they kept walking down the trail. 

“That’s great.” Arin smiled. “Mario finally discovered his true self.”

“Hey, look!” Dan pointed to an orange crab crawling by the trail. “A wild crab!”

The crab continued to crawl along, muttering over and over to himself, “Fuck your father! Fuck your father!”

As the two continued to watch the crab, they noticed that there was a giant shadow in front of them. Arin and Dan looked up to see who was casting the shadow. 

“Oh shit,” Arin whispered. “Dinkles.”

Dinkles was a massive buff nerd with circular glasses and a school uniform outfit. He towered over the knights and spoke to them in a classic nerdy voice, “Hey, you fucking _nerds!_ What are you doing, _nerds!”_

Arin grimaced and placed his hand on the handle of his sword that was strapped at his hip. He knew that Dinkles was a huge bully nerd that often took advantage of travelers on the trails. Dinkles would bombard people with both strength and smarts to either steal their goods or just assert his dominance. “We are just passing through,” he said sternly. “Now if you excuse us, we’ll be on our way.”

Dan and Arin tried to walk forward, but Dinkles continued to block their path. “Listen, _nerds!_ I’ve seen you two knights before. I don’t get why everyone sees you as so heroic! To me, you just look like scrawny little polynigmions!”

Dan gasped. “You take that back!”

“Come on, Dan.” Arin took his friend’s hand to lead him past Dinkles and on their way down the trail. “He’s just tryin to mess with us.”

“Good luck trying to save the princess, you fucking dweebs!” Dinkles called after them. 

“You’re a fucking dweeb,” Arin muttered under his breath as they continued to walk away. 

Dan nodded. “You tell him, Arin.”

Soon, the knights reached one of the forests. Dark green trees and shrubs were cluttered everywhere and small animals could be heard scattering through the plant life. Arin and Dan continued on the path through the darker environment. They could barely see the blue sky under all of the branches. Beside the trail, the river’s water rushed by swiftly. 

They were making quite a distance, until a small rock was thrown at Dan’s arm. It clanked on his metal before it hit the ground. “What the hell?” he asked, looking at the fallen rock. Him and Arin then both looked to see who had thrown it. 

Just ahead of them, an older man wearing a country jacket and cowboy hat was leaning on a tree. “Sorry,” he said with a gravelly voice, “I meant to throw the rock next to you to get your attention. I guess I missed.”

Dan and Arin walked up to the man. “What do you want?” Arin asked.

“To warn ya,” the man replied. “Right down this path, there’s a wolfman goin around. He’s fightin anyone tryin to pass through.” He leaned in and whispered, “And he’s doin it on _pawpose_. He’s tryin to stop anyone from savin the princess.”

“Woah,” Dan breathed. “How tough is he?”

“Well, he’s hard to hit. That’s for sure.” He pointed to the gun in his holster. “I tried firin at ‘im, but I missed. So I fired again. And then I missed. I missed both times. And then I missed again. This went on for several hours. And then I fired, and then I missed.” He lowered his head and sighed. “And then I ran out of bullets, so I came back here. I’m tryin to get home to have my popsicle, but now I’ll probably never get back in time before it melts.”

“Well, you’re in luck!” Arin declared. “Because we’re the Gallant Grumps! We’ll beat this wolfman like it’s nothin!”

“I sure hope so. I _really_ want that popsicle.”

The knights then continued down the trail, deeper into the forest and towards the fierce beast. 

Soon enough, they came across the wolfman. He wore a rugged purple robe and had a giant green and orange gem between his eyes. He was huge and ripped, and had fangs sharp enough to tear through metal. He was lumbering around the trail, sniffing and growling while he looked for someone to fight. When he saw the knights approach, he snarled.

The wolfman stomped towards the knights while he bared his teeth. When he was only around two feet away, he said, “Well, well, well. What do we have here? Two knights trying to save the day? Not-”

He was interrupted when Arin and Dan started laughing noisily. 

“Oh, oh my god,” Dan gasped after controlling his laughter. 

“He sounds like a female elementary school teacher!” Arin snorted.

The wolfman growled and stomped his foot. “I do not! Now, you will die-”

 _“You will dieeee!”_ Arin mimicked in a high whiny voice. 

“I do not sound like that!”

“Yes, you do!” Dan chuckled. 

“Enough!” the wolfman bellowed. He then fired green lasers out of the gem on his face towards the knights. 

“Ow!” Arin yelled as he got hit by a laser. He tried swinging at the wolfman with his sword, but the lasers kept getting in his way. “How do we beat him?”

“We probably should have listened to that toad,” Dan admitted. 

“No, I got this!” he shouted confidently. He then used his sword to block the lasers coming at him. The sword deflected the lasers, firing them back at the wolfman. After just a few hits, the wolfman was defeated. 

“That was a real fuckin’ powerful battle,” Dan joked. 

“No!” the wolfman cried as he fell to the ground. With his last breath he howled, “You’ve killed me!” Then he went limp and died. 

“Good!” Arin uttered sassily. “Fuck you. You were a jerk anyways.”

“Yeah, whatever Rachel,” Dan said while he walked to Arin’s side. They then both grabbed his body and threw him into the river. 

“Hope you can swim while dead,” Arin said in a Russian accent. “The death stroke. That is favorite swim technique.”

After destroying the wolfman’s body, Arin and Dan looked up to see a witch descending through the tree branches on her broom. When she stood on the ground before them, they realized that it was Hannah Montana. 

“Hey, ya’ll,” she said in her country accent. “Are ya two the ones who are gonna save the princess?”

“Yep!” Arin said boldly. “That’s us!”

“Oh, good! I have somthin very important to give ya.” She then reached into her bag and handed them some acorns. “These are the magic acorns! They turn anythin into stone! Don’t put them up yer butt!”

“Aw, dammit,” Dan cursed as he put the acorns into his bag. He then restrapped the pouch to his waist. 

She also handed them a key. “This trail leads to a mountain up ahead. Ya’ll will climb the mountain and at the top there’s a cave with a locked treasure chest. Use this key to open it.” Arin put the key into his bag. 

Hannah Montana then noticed a butterfly flutter near her. She hastily snapped at it, swallowing it whole. A few seconds later, another butterfly got close enough for her to consume as well. 

Arin and Dan watched in complete shock while she swallowed the butterfly and said, “What are the odds of that? Two butterflies in a row!”

Not knowing what to say, Arin quickly replied with, “Isn’t it weird that at least once a day your hand just touches your asshole?”

The witch thought about that for a moment before she just shrugged. “Hm. Ya’ll some odd heroes. Well, good luck!” She then hopped back on the broom and soared away. 

“Oh, thank god,” Arin sighed once she was gone. “What a crazy witch.”

Dan was busy thinking about what she said. “We’re going to have to climb a mountain,” he acknowledged. “We aren’t very good at climbing.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, Dan. But I am!” Arin boasted. He then walked up to the nearest tree. “Just check this out!” He jumped and grabbed one of the branches, only for it to snap off causing Arin to land flat on his back. “Shit.”

“Wow,” Dan chuckled. “This is a pretty good display-”

“Of just how good I am!”


End file.
